"you have cancer"

When I first found out I had cancer or the tumor I was in a library! One of the most quiet, peaceful places and my doctor called to tell me; they had found something seriously wrong in my chest cavity! I mean a library!!!! You're supposed to be quiet there! I felt my heart drop and kinda shoved the phone into a very shocked Matt's face. The rest really seems like history! So far I have made my way through tons of appointments and now through chemotherapy!
Cancer is unique because tons of people in the world know what you're going through so many people have had or have cancer! That's something I believe needs to change. But at the same time so many people do not know what you're going through and you don't want them to ever have to! The closest people to you can no longer relate to you and whats ruling your life and that has truly been one of the hardest parts. But communication is the key! I used to find myself so annoying talking about how I feel and my symptoms but it has been one of the most important parts because it has kept me close to those around me and helps others to relate and support me. I have never looked at this as a journey that I have had to walk through alone. I have really learned to embrace the support of others. My support system deserves the best most biggest hug and party. If I could give that to the whole crowd of people walking with me I would!
Here are some examples. While in the library getting that phone call I was literally on the phone with my mom next! While talking to her I was furiously texting one of my most dearest friends and life mentors (he knows who he is) and honestly he was the first person I needed to reach to seek support from and he has graciously been by my side and Matt's side since that first day! We have also received letters, cards, packages, emails, posters, free meals, you name it from this amazing community of people who have heard of our story! I love to call it 'our story' because i have always believed my cancer is bigger than myself and deeper than just one person. Everyone has known someone, a loved one or a friend who has been influenced by this brutal disease and I know that I am just a small piece in that! It is very humbling and helps me keep the pain at ease at least in my mind!
Don't get me wrong, I have been angry with cancer! I still get angry! It has taken my life for the last six months and has made me feel less of a person at times! I never want this blog to be somewhere where I go to complain that is why I struggled with writing about it for so long. But I will never lie or paint a picture about cancer that's not real. There have been times where I've had to shove my dignity aside and let medicine and people help me in ways I never thought at age 25 I would have to. Someways I couldn't use the toilet on my own and those days were hard! I have had to exclude myself from what I love in order to protect myselfagainst other diseases and that has been the hardest part. My main goal for myself throughout this whole journey was and is not to slip into a deep dark depression. There have been moments where my heart has hurt but I promised myself that those moments would not last forever and that happiness, love, light and friendship would still rule my life and I am most proud to say it has!

Stay tuned! 

Hello again

A lot has happened in the last year and a half. A LOT! I have thought about blogging again but I struggled with the desire to express myself and to be heard but also with privacy and leading a private life. Facebook is a big place where I found myself being expressive and sharing with the public but I realized I had no excuse not to blog anymore so here I am.

Like I said a lot has changed in the last little while! Here is a catch up and the story.

1. We moved! Job opportunities and adventure brought us to the rural side of Maine. We love it here we have our house, our dog, beautiful landscape, and the loveliest of friends.

2. I was diagnosed with cancer. Yes Cancer. Shortly after we moved (okay 2 weeks to be exact), I went to the doctor who suggested that I get a chest xray for some symptoms I had been complaining about for I know...get ready for it 1 year. At that xray the radiologist found a 10 cm mass in my chest cavity and I was instantly rushed to get a CT scan about 10 minutes later, where they confirmed the fact that I did indeed have a tumor in my chest.  You can not begin to understand the shock and mixture of emotions that Matt and I felt. We were scared, shocked and lost we had just moved from our family and were now branching out on our own. Everything from there happened so fast and next thing I knew I was meeting with a cardio-thorastic surgeon to get a biopsy of my tumor. At this point we did not know for a fact that it was cancer although most assumed that it was. I endured an intense biopsy surgery that included making a 2 inch cut into my chest and where the gathered a sample of the tumor. From there I found out through a really disturbing phone call that I indeed had cancer called Lymphoma. Funny sidebar: Matt has known 3 people (prior to meeting me) that has had lymphoma two of those which has had the same exact diagnosis as I do. Crazy world. I had honestly never even heard of lymphoma before. From there we have been to a million doctor's appointments, meeting with specialists; oncologists, radiologists, pathologists, cardiologists, etc. etc.

So what are we doing now? Cancer! Cancer everything. We have been to chemotherapy, test after test, appointment after appointment. It has been truly exhausting. The pain I have been in is so unreal it has been a long 6 month journey. We feel so blessed that I have a great prognosis and will eventually be 100% cancer free soon.

We want to thank you so much for your support and for your love and outreach towards us during this particularly difficult time in our life. We will continue to update you as much as possible and really appreciate the outpour of kindness towards us.