Writing heals me. It just does. Getting it out there, even though it's vulnerable, raw, and scary as hell, it heals.
What I haven't been telling you guys is that for the past two weeks I have been going through the most hellish. CANCER. RELAPSE. SCARE. EVER.
Although awful, anxiety filled, terrifying, confusing, and painful, I can (semi) confidently tell you I am still cancer free!
But let me start at the beginning.
My body. Is not my old body anymore. It's not n'sync (best boy band ever by the way) with my heart (soul) and mind anymore. It is it's own creature. I have no control anymore, like the average person, like I once had.
I was experiencing the EXACT same symptoms that presented themselves a year ago when I was diagnosed. Ask any cancer survivor we live in constant fear and paranoia of relapsing. But this wasn't my usual "oh I have a cough, guess I have cancer again.", issues. This was real. I couldn't breathe normally again, my hodgkins rash was back, and something funky was going on. I could just tell. In My heart something was wrong. I know enough by now that this was different. I couldn't walk without pain, I couldn't feel my feet beneath me, I couldn't BREATHE, sneeze or cough without extreme, terrifying pain.
This was heart breaking to me. I could feel in my heart something was wrong. I couldn't get in with the cancer center right away, so I went to our dear friend who is a family practice/internal medicine doctor, who actually was the one to FINALLY diagnose me with cancer, after several failed attempts prior. She took one look at me, (we talked for a minute) and she shipped me right off to the hospital. MY WORST FEAR HAPPENING (AGAIN)! You can guess, more fuel to the anxiety, terrifying, confused, fire. I honestly thought she was going to say it was all in my head again. But she is smart, she is thorough and she cares a lot about me.
Test,
After Test,
Needles,
After Needles.
Scanning...
And then waiting..
and more waiting.
Hidden worry.
Hidden pain.
Extreme pain.
After Test,
Needles,
After Needles.
Scanning...
And then waiting..
and more waiting.
Hidden worry.
Hidden pain.
Extreme pain.
You see when you 'graduate' from having cancer, they don't exactly tell you what's next. They hope for the best. Kinda send you on your way with a; 'hooray you did it', and a 'great job' and well see ya soon at your next appointment. I honestly thought wow in three months of recovery and I'll be back to me...WRONG! I have developed a LONG list of side effects. But lastly as I figured out today...
I have developed some new diseases, new conditions, and some life long physical struggles and challenges. (That I am not ready to announce publicly yet)
It's heart breaking!
Hearing/reading at 25 I'm going to possibly live in chronic pain for the rest of my life? That I can't have a surgery to remove the problem because it would be 12 hours long, involving cracking my whole chest open, removing organs and lastly I possibly wouldn't live through it. That I might be infertile by age 28, that I might not be able to walk the rest of my life, that I possibly won't be able to pick up and carry my own child. That I should live life to the fullest now while I can?! It is heartbreaking.
Hearing/reading at 25 I'm going to possibly live in chronic pain for the rest of my life? That I can't have a surgery to remove the problem because it would be 12 hours long, involving cracking my whole chest open, removing organs and lastly I possibly wouldn't live through it. That I might be infertile by age 28, that I might not be able to walk the rest of my life, that I possibly won't be able to pick up and carry my own child. That I should live life to the fullest now while I can?! It is heartbreaking.
But you know what? You know what I have to say to that (above)? I say BULLSHIT. I say I'm going to beat these odds.
I say (with tears in my eyes),
CANCER YOU SAID;
I couldn't run again.
I say (with tears in my eyes),
CANCER YOU SAID;
I couldn't run again.
Guess what I've run a mile straight 9 different times!!!
You said I might not be able to swim again.
Bitch, I've already swam laps in a pool.
You said I wouldn't be able to breathe enough to ride my bike.
You said I wouldn't be able to breathe enough to ride my bike.
Well I have ridden down my driveway.
You said I might need constant oxygen in 5 years.
I say we'll see about that in 20 years.
You said I might need constant oxygen in 5 years.
I say we'll see about that in 20 years.
I don't do this everyday, because I can't. But I do a little each day. And it makes me stronger. I'm not going to end up in a wheelchair tomorrow. Sure sometimes I ride in mine because I can't feel my feet anymore, but I'm not investing in a motorized one anytime soon.
Stepping on soap box for a minute.
I am devestated in my own way, I am sad from this news. I'm allowing myself to be human. But am I going to let it ruin my life? NO, absolutely freaking not! NEVER! I am going to get up each morning, assess what I can do that day, physically and mentally, and then I'm going to go do it. Somedays it will be small victories, someday I might hike a mountain. But I'm going to keep living. I'm going to fight. I'm not going to give in to a life full of narcotics and disability, until my body says I have to. But even so... I am going to be happy! I'm not perfect. I write this with a heavy heart, tears almost hitting the keyboard. But I am beyond grateful. And always will be! Because life is magnificent. I have lived some of the greatest moments in my life and I plan on living many more.
Many, many, more.
I am devestated in my own way, I am sad from this news. I'm allowing myself to be human. But am I going to let it ruin my life? NO, absolutely freaking not! NEVER! I am going to get up each morning, assess what I can do that day, physically and mentally, and then I'm going to go do it. Somedays it will be small victories, someday I might hike a mountain. But I'm going to keep living. I'm going to fight. I'm not going to give in to a life full of narcotics and disability, until my body says I have to. But even so... I am going to be happy! I'm not perfect. I write this with a heavy heart, tears almost hitting the keyboard. But I am beyond grateful. And always will be! Because life is magnificent. I have lived some of the greatest moments in my life and I plan on living many more.
Many, many, more.
