Feeling that goodbye in your heart is much worse.
It leaves that sting that cannot be cured by anything but time.
And still you'll never be the same after.
I've said a lot of goodbyes in my life.
I've said;
"Peace out", to bad habits
"Good riddance", to bad boyfriends and bad people
"See you soon, this isn't goodbye", to my family and friends at airports and places
and "I hope I never see you again", to awful people and places.
I've even said the most heartfelt real "goodbye" at the grave of my best friend who died in college.
But these often trivial, relevant and heartfelt goodbyes aren't the goodbyes I speak of.
Lately, I've I have been saying combinations of more permeant long term goodbyes.
Hard Goodbyes
Final Goodbyes
and Downright Devastating Goodbyes
In one years time I said goodbye to my health and independence as I was diagnosed with cancer the first time. I said goodbye to myself for awhile as I gave my body, mind and some of my spirit away to be cured by science, by the grace of God and by faith. I never said goodbye to happiness or to love, but I said goodbye to life as I knew it. And I might have to say that terrifying goodbye again, if my health continues to worsen as quickly as it has been.
I said a final goodbye to my dog, who in one years short time became my best friend. My companion while I was sick and alone homebound. The whole time I was sick and felt like I was dying, he too himself was sick and physically dying. I said goodbye to a beautiful Friend and a beautiful spirit who I truly loved. I never knew how much love could come from such a small creature, who was only mine for a short time. But we loved each other and understood physical pain together. It was one of the hardest goodbyes to this day that I've had to say on my own in my adult life. I still can't believe he's gone.
I recently said goodbye to my dear Uncle who battled through a horrible, rare cancer. That left him in a state of pain that no man should have ever had to endure. I said goodbye to a man who has been a part of my whole entire life. I said goodbye with the heaviest heart as I knew his life was ending so prematurely. I said goodbye with mixed emotions of happiness that he would finally be out of pain and free and would soon be with his God.
But I said a personal goodbye with heavy emotions of guilt and sadness. Sadness for his beautiful family and for my family. A goodbye with sorrowful guilt inside thinking; HOW THE HELL did I survive this cruel disease? As I see a man in front of me whom I barely physically recognize.
Cancer destroyed the man physically I once knew, but never scratched the surface of the spirit of the man that I knew and loved my whole life. How am I here surviving day to day, as he lays all 90 pounds of him, left in the most unimaginable pain.
It hurts my heart. It shatters it. It broke my heart completely in a beautiful way, when my Aunt read him a note I sent to him via text message telling him; That I knew he would be my personal cancer angel because we have a strong bond found only through this awful disease. I told him that I knew I would always be able to feel him with me, as I get ready to possibly fight again. He smiled and nodded. Agreeing to be with me always.
This goodbye leaves me and my heart in shambles. Anyone who has fought cancer can tell you that when one of our own has a fight that comes to an end, that it hurts us in a different way that we just can't explain. Even when I hear of someone I didn't even know, dying from cancer it hurts for a moment, because I know how hard the fight is and was.
This is the most temporal type of goodbye, I know I will see my uncle again, and in good health and in the most beautiful state possible. And even better I know that while on this earth he will be with me every step of the way. The last moment I had with him I saw his beautiful smile and that's what I choose to carry in my heart forever.
A goodbye that was a smile.
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| Jeffrey Lynn Calcara May 8, 1955 - July 23, 2014 |
