Remission

Okay to be honest with you; remission at this point in time is awful! Physically awful! There are so many great, wonderful and adventurous things that my mind would love to be doing, but my body just won't allow it! It is one of the most frustrating things! I feel as though I have a little taste of a lot of what my older and elderly friends go through as they lose their ability to move freely and to do the things they once were able to! I have been blessed beyond eons, I was once in a wheelchair for a short amount of time, but I feel like a true disabled person!

 I try so hard, really hard, to do things, but THINGS are difficult! Really difficult! Everyday things that you might be doing, I can't, yet! This reality is extremely hard to face! Grocery shopping wears me out, walking after awhile hurts, my first go at physical therapy made me sick (vomiting after and flu like symptoms), traveling to my appointments kills, and even cleaning my house sets me back a day after. Nobody warns you of this! Yes they say; ease back into your life, but basically my (amazing) oncologist was like; "see ya in the summer!" What to do? What to do NOW? It is so frustrating! 

I love talking to my mother about this because she knows my limits, but she also knows my laziness and fears! It's a horrible balance of getting up and doing it, but not doing TOOOO much, or out doing yourself. 

I have this guilt sometimes on the days where I spend most of the day exhausted in bed sleeping! I feel terrible about myself! I wonder a lot if it's in my mind even though it has proven not to be. I just have hunger to live life again.Cancer is cruel! Early remission is awful. You just start feeling like yourself again, just to be reminded by the fact that you're no where near the person you were before. You're the 'new' you and somehow you've got to adapt to that.  Adapt to your new physical disabilities that are life long and altering. But somehow I am determined to make those disabilities into triumphs and continue the fight.

 Awww the reality of cancer is yet again heartbreaking and hard! Even while in it's remission state. 

What's next?

One of the greatest moments of my life was finding out that I am finally in cancer remission. It has been a long road and I couldn't be happier to finally be done with cancer treatments. However my journey to great health is only beginning. Because of cancer I now have some life long health challenges to adapt to. Those including; blindness, neuropathy, early menopause, lung and breathing issues, etc. The days of living like a reckless adult-child (lol) are long gone and diet and food consciousness, (something I have NEVER had to worry about before), has begun. 

I do not know what caused the cells in my body to go cancerous and psycho, actually nobody does, but I do know that I never want to feed those bad cells again with what I put into my body. It is hard, I have never had to diet, or eliminate any food before and never had issues with weight gain or loss. I pretty much ate whatever I wanted anytime I wanted, including crap and junk food. (Disclaimer my parents are probably the most healthy eating and healthy people I know they taught me the right way, but I made my own bad habits along the way). Anybody who knows me knows my love for diet coke, those days are over, or my love for CANDY, those days are numbered, I know it's hard but soooo worth it. 

It is SO hard right now to recover. You never think about recovery time when you're sick, you just think about living again and getting back to 100%, in your mind you think it's automatic but it's not. Right now I'm in limbo, I'm getting there but not quite there. Everyone says it will take time, and I believe it but I am bored and ever so anxious. I cannot quite work again yet and doing a lot of activities tires me fast! I feel guilty sleeping in and sitting around, and try to stay busy cleaning and organizing junk but to be honest the role of 'stay at home woman with no children' is NOT for me!!! I try art on occasion, read when my bad eye allows it, have gotten quite familiar with Netflix (haha) and write friends as much as possible. 

A lot of people ask me; "what's next for you?!" And I just look at them with the biggest smile on my face because I honestly do not know what's next for me, outside of striving to be a healthy human being and living life to the fullest. I smile because I just started living again, although boring and slow, I know that the future possibilities for me are endless!