Remission

Okay to be honest with you; remission at this point in time is awful! Physically awful! There are so many great, wonderful and adventurous things that my mind would love to be doing, but my body just won't allow it! It is one of the most frustrating things! I feel as though I have a little taste of a lot of what my older and elderly friends go through as they lose their ability to move freely and to do the things they once were able to! I have been blessed beyond eons, I was once in a wheelchair for a short amount of time, but I feel like a true disabled person!

 I try so hard, really hard, to do things, but THINGS are difficult! Really difficult! Everyday things that you might be doing, I can't, yet! This reality is extremely hard to face! Grocery shopping wears me out, walking after awhile hurts, my first go at physical therapy made me sick (vomiting after and flu like symptoms), traveling to my appointments kills, and even cleaning my house sets me back a day after. Nobody warns you of this! Yes they say; ease back into your life, but basically my (amazing) oncologist was like; "see ya in the summer!" What to do? What to do NOW? It is so frustrating! 

I love talking to my mother about this because she knows my limits, but she also knows my laziness and fears! It's a horrible balance of getting up and doing it, but not doing TOOOO much, or out doing yourself. 

I have this guilt sometimes on the days where I spend most of the day exhausted in bed sleeping! I feel terrible about myself! I wonder a lot if it's in my mind even though it has proven not to be. I just have hunger to live life again.Cancer is cruel! Early remission is awful. You just start feeling like yourself again, just to be reminded by the fact that you're no where near the person you were before. You're the 'new' you and somehow you've got to adapt to that.  Adapt to your new physical disabilities that are life long and altering. But somehow I am determined to make those disabilities into triumphs and continue the fight.

 Awww the reality of cancer is yet again heartbreaking and hard! Even while in it's remission state.