Deep New News.

*note this was written before reading the novel; "The fault in our stars", but is being published after. 

Writing heals me. It just does. Getting it out there, even though it's vulnerable, raw, and scary as hell, it heals. 

What I haven't been telling you guys is that for the past two weeks I have been going through the most hellish. CANCER.  RELAPSE. SCARE. EVER. 

Although awful, anxiety filled, terrifying, confusing, and painful, I can (semi) confidently tell you I am still cancer free! 

But let me start at the beginning. 

My body. Is not my old body anymore. It's not n'sync (best boy band ever by the way) with my heart (soul) and mind anymore. It is it's own creature. I have no control anymore, like the average person, like I once had. 

I was experiencing the EXACT same symptoms that presented themselves a year ago when I was diagnosed. Ask any cancer survivor we live in constant fear and paranoia of relapsing. But this wasn't my usual "oh I have a cough, guess I have cancer again.", issues. This was real. I couldn't breathe normally again, my hodgkins rash was back, and something funky was going on. I could just tell. In My heart something was wrong. I know enough by now that this was different. I couldn't walk without pain, I couldn't feel my feet beneath me, I couldn't BREATHE, sneeze or cough without extreme, terrifying pain. 

This was heart breaking to me. I could feel in my heart something was wrong. I couldn't get in with the cancer center right away, so I went to our dear friend who is a family practice/internal medicine doctor, who actually was the one to FINALLY diagnose me with cancer, after several failed attempts prior. She took one look at me, (we talked for a minute) and she shipped me right off to the hospital. MY WORST FEAR HAPPENING (AGAIN)! You can guess, more fuel to the anxiety, terrifying, confused, fire. I honestly thought she was going to say it was all in my head again. But she is smart, she is thorough and she cares a lot about me. 

Test, 

After Test,

Needles, 

After Needles.

Scanning... 

And then waiting..

and more waiting. 

Hidden worry. 

Hidden pain. 

Extreme pain.

You see when you 'graduate' from having cancer, they don't exactly tell you what's next. They hope for the best. Kinda send you on your way with a; 'hooray you did it', and a 'great job' and well see ya soon at your next appointment. I honestly thought wow in three months of recovery and I'll be back to me...WRONG! I have developed a LONG list of side effects. But lastly as I figured out today... 

I have developed some new diseases, new conditions, and some life long physical struggles and challenges. (That I am not ready to announce publicly yet) 

It's heart breaking!
Hearing/reading at 25 I'm going to possibly live in chronic pain for the rest of my life? That I can't have a surgery to remove the problem because it would be 12 hours long, involving cracking my whole chest open, removing organs and lastly I possibly wouldn't live through it. That I might be infertile by age 28, that I might not be able to walk the rest of my life, that I possibly won't be able to pick up and carry my own child. That I should live life to the fullest now while I can?! It is heartbreaking. 

But you know what? You know what I have to say to that (above)? I say BULLSHIT. I say I'm going to beat these odds. 
I say (with tears in my eyes), 
CANCER YOU SAID;
I couldn't run again. 

Guess what I've run a mile straight 9 different times!!! 

You said I might not be able to swim again. 

Bitch, I've already swam laps in a pool. 
You said I wouldn't be able to breathe enough to ride my bike.

Well I have ridden down my driveway.
You said I might need constant oxygen in 5 years. 
I say we'll see about that in 20 years. 

I don't do this everyday, because I can't. But I do a little each day. And it makes me stronger. I'm not going to end up in a wheelchair tomorrow. Sure sometimes I ride in mine because I can't feel my feet anymore, but I'm not investing in a motorized one anytime soon. 

Stepping on soap box for a minute. 
I am devestated in my own way, I am sad from this news. I'm allowing myself to be human. But am I going to let it ruin my life? NO, absolutely freaking not! NEVER! I am going to get up each morning, assess what I can do that day, physically and mentally, and then I'm going to go do it. Somedays it will be small victories, someday I might hike a mountain. But I'm going to keep living. I'm going to fight. I'm not going to give in to a life full of narcotics and disability, until my body says I have to. But even so... I am going to be happy! I'm not perfect. I write this with a heavy heart, tears almost hitting the keyboard. But I am beyond grateful. And always will be! Because life is magnificent. I have lived some of the greatest moments in my life and I plan on living many more.

Many, many, more. 

Remission

Okay to be honest with you; remission at this point in time is awful! Physically awful! There are so many great, wonderful and adventurous things that my mind would love to be doing, but my body just won't allow it! It is one of the most frustrating things! I feel as though I have a little taste of a lot of what my older and elderly friends go through as they lose their ability to move freely and to do the things they once were able to! I have been blessed beyond eons, I was once in a wheelchair for a short amount of time, but I feel like a true disabled person!

 I try so hard, really hard, to do things, but THINGS are difficult! Really difficult! Everyday things that you might be doing, I can't, yet! This reality is extremely hard to face! Grocery shopping wears me out, walking after awhile hurts, my first go at physical therapy made me sick (vomiting after and flu like symptoms), traveling to my appointments kills, and even cleaning my house sets me back a day after. Nobody warns you of this! Yes they say; ease back into your life, but basically my (amazing) oncologist was like; "see ya in the summer!" What to do? What to do NOW? It is so frustrating! 

I love talking to my mother about this because she knows my limits, but she also knows my laziness and fears! It's a horrible balance of getting up and doing it, but not doing TOOOO much, or out doing yourself. 

I have this guilt sometimes on the days where I spend most of the day exhausted in bed sleeping! I feel terrible about myself! I wonder a lot if it's in my mind even though it has proven not to be. I just have hunger to live life again.Cancer is cruel! Early remission is awful. You just start feeling like yourself again, just to be reminded by the fact that you're no where near the person you were before. You're the 'new' you and somehow you've got to adapt to that.  Adapt to your new physical disabilities that are life long and altering. But somehow I am determined to make those disabilities into triumphs and continue the fight.

 Awww the reality of cancer is yet again heartbreaking and hard! Even while in it's remission state. 

What's next?

One of the greatest moments of my life was finding out that I am finally in cancer remission. It has been a long road and I couldn't be happier to finally be done with cancer treatments. However my journey to great health is only beginning. Because of cancer I now have some life long health challenges to adapt to. Those including; blindness, neuropathy, early menopause, lung and breathing issues, etc. The days of living like a reckless adult-child (lol) are long gone and diet and food consciousness, (something I have NEVER had to worry about before), has begun. 

I do not know what caused the cells in my body to go cancerous and psycho, actually nobody does, but I do know that I never want to feed those bad cells again with what I put into my body. It is hard, I have never had to diet, or eliminate any food before and never had issues with weight gain or loss. I pretty much ate whatever I wanted anytime I wanted, including crap and junk food. (Disclaimer my parents are probably the most healthy eating and healthy people I know they taught me the right way, but I made my own bad habits along the way). Anybody who knows me knows my love for diet coke, those days are over, or my love for CANDY, those days are numbered, I know it's hard but soooo worth it. 

It is SO hard right now to recover. You never think about recovery time when you're sick, you just think about living again and getting back to 100%, in your mind you think it's automatic but it's not. Right now I'm in limbo, I'm getting there but not quite there. Everyone says it will take time, and I believe it but I am bored and ever so anxious. I cannot quite work again yet and doing a lot of activities tires me fast! I feel guilty sleeping in and sitting around, and try to stay busy cleaning and organizing junk but to be honest the role of 'stay at home woman with no children' is NOT for me!!! I try art on occasion, read when my bad eye allows it, have gotten quite familiar with Netflix (haha) and write friends as much as possible. 

A lot of people ask me; "what's next for you?!" And I just look at them with the biggest smile on my face because I honestly do not know what's next for me, outside of striving to be a healthy human being and living life to the fullest. I smile because I just started living again, although boring and slow, I know that the future possibilities for me are endless! 

Why cancer hurts

Cancer is the most pain I have ever felt. Not only physically but emotionally. I write this as I am nearing the end of my treatments 8 almost 9 months later. 

In the beginning I was still me, in the middle I felt like myself still, but at the end I am a completely different person. I stand in front of the mirror and hardly recognize the wounded person in front of my eyes. My hair gone, thick scars where smooth skin used to be, black bruise like marks everywhere from the harsh chemicals used in my body, my left eye sight clinging on, pain everywhere, and my body so swollen from radiation, to me it is unrecognizable. All of this is vanity in my appearance but inside I'm different too. I'm scared, I have questions nobody could possibly know the answers too, I have anger, sadness and happiness all at the same time. I have been alive for the past 8 months but I have not been living. Confined in a house, hospitals, care centers and at one time a bed, I was left in other words to suffer from a terrible disease. A disease that not only eats at the body but at the emotional heart of a person. Cancer is a cruel disease any patient can tell of the harshness, but also any survivor can tell you of the daily battles you still fight as a cured person. 

There is a psychological part of cancer that I was made aware of at the beginning of my journey and I have done my best to beat a cancerous depression. But like anyone else I have my moments. The 'why me?' moments, the survivor guilt, the terrified feeling of; 'what if I relapse?', and many more. I struggle with the fact that my body will never be the same again. While going through treatment I really never thought about what I would look like when I was finished, I never pictured myself looking like this. People say you will get it all back, but even my oncologist, radiologist and my shrink know better than to say this, because in fact my body will never be the same again. The risks have gone up and the good chances of the old normalcy that I knew have gone way down. I'm left as I feel a mangled replica of someone who kinda looks like me. It's difficult, it's so hard, it's actually a little bit heart breaking. Of course I have those around me who say it doesn't matter, I am the same to them. But it matters to me, I'm not the same to myself. I'm different. It's like a terrible hair cut you have to get used to, but much, much worse. 

I pray a lot, for self acceptance, for gratitude for my life and those in it, for the ability to find my 'calling' in life, and for just the strength to keep holding on. 

And although there is an emense amount of pain in cancer. Too much pain. Don't worry I was able to find some happiness along the journey, but that tale is for another day.