Christmas

To be honest with you I was unsure how this Christmas would be this year. Because of cancer we were unable to travel to be with our family or loved ones and this hurt me deeply! I was so disappointed when I got the red light on leaving the state for Christmas that bitterness came over me. I honestly cant really picture traveling in my current state. Although done with chemo I have recovery to tackle which will just take time. Anyways I am so please to say this was one of my best Christmas' yet! With a mixture of positivity, the best husband in the world, family and friends it turned out to be the best Christmas I've ever had! Matt and I justified this hard year we've had as an excuse to spoil each other, and that we did!! Time together just us and the dog is always loved! And FaceTime made us feel very involved in our nieces and nephews Christmas excitement. We are just so incredibly thankful to be alive and out of hospitals and care centers this holiday!! We hope you had a merry Christmas and have a happy new year. 

Done

Today my heart is so full! Full of pride, happiness, love and appreciation! The kind words and messages have been flowing in all day. I couldn't be more thrilled to share this day with all of you and to read all your amazing words. I just want to relish in this moment! One of the hardest things I've ever been given is over. In the scriptures when it says; "this too shall pass", I want everyone to know that it actually does. Trials are a part of life and I am so blessed to have overcome this one! I am truly thankful for your support, love, kind thoughts and inspiration to beat this disease! I love you all! 

Dancing

One thing a lot of people dont know about me is that...I love to dance! Not conventional dancing, no routines, instruction, or any sort of order. I'm talking about loud music, jumping up and down, eyes closed, hands flying in the air, surrounded by people who love to do the same, my favorite music playing far to loudly, and my feet aching from jumping for hours.

In college I danced just as much as I studied! In my bedroom with my friends, with boys, outside, at parties, at concerts, in the car, walking (dancing) on the way to class with headphones on, anywhere and everywhere! I am by no means a good dancer, I can barely play just dance on wii but I love it! I close my eyes, jump in the air, and escape reality!

I miss dancing. I miss moving. I miss closing my eyes and the only thing on my mind was my favorite song playing, making my heart thump. It's a beautiful thing to let go, I always felt like I was free and flying for a minute. On Wednesday (if the weather behaves) it is my last chemotherapy appointment. The last of 12! And I plan on dancing afterwards!

Dancing on the beach 

Dancing at my wedding. My favorite dance.

Cancer ignorant

Before I got cancer I was like anyone else and thought I was invincible! I've had a couple of illnesses in life but the most serious was only swine flu in 2008 and I was fine after 5 days. I honestly knew of only a couple types of cancer. Breast cancer, lung cancer, lukeiuma, and melanoma. And I thought if you got cancer it meant you were going to die. At the beginning we only knew there was a tumor or mass where my lung is and I just assumed very quickly that it was lung cancer and that I might die. I was extremely naive and ignorant. I thought all cancer patients lived within hospital walls, turned skinny and lost all their hair! That's all I knew. I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into.

My cancer family

When I first got diagnosed I honestly had never heard of Lymphoma! I was like lymph nodes what???! And I actually didn't look up anything about the disease at that time! I was too afraid! Matt did though he has impressively become quite an expert on it and can answer most people's questions. Where as I didn't care to know anything that didn't really pertain to me! Coincidentally Matt has known 3 people before knowing me 2 with the exact same disease, diagnosis and treatment plan! I have been blessed to have met and talk to both of them!!!  I have also met so many wonderful people via the blessing of the Internet they have become my cancer family! I love each one of them!

Ben- where to start he is a freaking stud muffin! Like me he got the disease as a young adult! Not only did he beat it and is currently in remission, but once relapsed and went through hell getting a stem cell transplant! He is amazing and is so inspiring and supportive! He came to one of my treatment sessions and we laughed the whole time together! I love him! 

Truthful

To tell you the truth; I spend most of my days alone in bed! The pain I am in is so immense that I rarely get to do things! It has given me a lot of time to reflect, to think about memories and to plan for my future.

To tell you the truth; I miss the mountains! I could tear up thinking about it I love the mountains so much. 

To tell you the truth; being the only one in my family(s) who has cancer is extremely difficult, awkward and hard! Although I have a lot of support it's hard being the sick one! And to tell you the truth I have two sister in laws who have never reached out with support or even love really. They have actually never acknowledged that I have cancer. It hurts us but we understand it's hard on everyone! 

To tell you the truth; I think my precious dog and companion is on his last leg of life but is courageously holding on for me to be cured because he knows I love him and need him! 

To tell you the truth; having a portacath and being stabbed in the chest each week is extremely painful and I hate it.  

To tell you the truth; sometimes in the morning before I'm completely awake I forget that I have cancer. It is one of the best parts of my day! 

Cancer shmancer

Since my life literally revolves around cancer I decided to write about and share some hilarious and happy things with you here!! Just so you know that my heart is full of happy and silly things too! And OF COURSE it's going to be in list form! Duh!

1. Today while FaceTiming my nieces and nephews I laughed at hilarious potty humor (yes I'm actually 5 years old), heard the most hilarious stories of a certain 2 year olds sleepless adventures! And 'oh'ed and aw'ed at a very special Christmas tree in the 6 and 5 year olds bedroom (yes their very own tree)! 

2. I had an amazing 1 hour massage today! Oooh baby did it feel nice! Although a bit disturbing that the therapist mentioned I do indeed have the worst neck knots she has ever seen, I enjoyed every minute of it! 

3. It snowed today a lot!!! I love snow! Love it! I threw on my uggs and hobbled around in it for about 5 seconds but I loved it! 

4. Texting! I love to text my friends and I have a few seriously best friends who text me on the regular which I love. 

5. Leg hair! Gross right?! Wrong! I noticed lately that my leg hair has been growing back! This makes me shout for joy! I'm beyond happy to have my hair start to grow back. Haha 

Side effects

If anyone asked me what the worst part of having and curing cancer was I would immediately shout...CHEMOTHERAPY! Before cancer I was so naive about the whole disease, although far from being an expert I definitely feel I own the rights to some knowledge, based on experience. I think Matt's a pro too! I feel very blessed to have not known the brutality of curing the disease before hand because I probably would have been more hesitant to even receive treatments because the side effects have been so harsh! Below is a list of my side effects. Take a gander if you please, it is total honesty so don't be alarmed! 

1. Hair loss- obviously everyone knows this one comes with chemo. The reality of losing my hair was devastating and painful. Now I'm just waiting for my new hair to grow and to never wear hats again! 

2. Nausea-almost everyone knows this is common too! My battle with nausea will always be on going! Although miracle drugs make it easier to live with. 

3. The pain- I had no idea there would be pain associated with chemo. Extreme pain really! I have never been in pain before cancer aside from stomachaches and headaches so I don't really do well with the pain. Each week as the pain starts in, I mentally have to remind myself I am still a human being and loved and it will pass, because by about day 10

It usually does!!! At one point my pain was so bad we had to rush to the ER because I was literally becoming delirius from the pain! 2 rounds of morphine did not even relieve it! Thats how serious it was! Scary too!! 

4. Vision changes- this has been a big bummer! Going into cancer I already had far from perfect eye sight and with chemo it has gotten worse. So much to the point my left eye is partially going blind-ish! They say I can regain my eye sight and I believe I can too :) its been hard because I'd much rather read than watch tv but reading has proven too eye straining and difficult. Netflix it is! Haha 

5. Shortness of breath- this is one of the main reasons I knew I needed to go to the doctor before I was actually diagnosed, I couldn't breathe! I actually was about to talk to the doctor and ask if

I had some exhaustion issues!?! Because I would be huffing and puffing just walking up the stairs. Well come to find out I had a tumor decreasing my lung capacity to 30%. Well with chemo you

Typically sustain lung damage, this is all too true for me! I expect to get some of my lung strength back and i cannot wait to not only run but walk on my own!!! 

6. Skin changes- with chemo my skin has turned black, blue and purple. One of my chemo drugs is notorious for this. Annoying but won't last forever! 

7. Chemo brain- wow this I probably should have put at the top of the list. With chemo sometimes I have extreme short term memory loss. It has been scary at times because I cannot remember what happened the day before and lose parts of my day where I cannot for the life of me remember. Luckily I have Matt to tell me what happened. One thing that has helped me to calm down during these episodes is to go through the pictures on my phone and just take a second to calm down and remember. It is a weird situation when you cannot remember what happened earlier that day but it is one of the most common side effects! We have been very careful to always remember to turn off the stove, lock the doors, and not take showers alone! :) 

8. Loss of white blood cells-while on chemo over time you eventually loose all 

of your white blood cells. This sucks! This means you have no more immune system and have to be extremely careful not to catch any sort of disease or bad pathogen! In other words you become a shut in! Because with no immune system a simple cold will turn into pneumonia which could then cause you to have an infection in your blood which means you are in the ICU for weeks! Luckily (knock on wood) Matt and I have been extremely careful although at times we cheat for my sanity and have no gotten any form of sickness. My doctors have even advised me to call them even if I get a paper cut the threat is so serious!!! 

Well I could go on forever telling you little details here and there but these are just some I thought were interesting to share. 

This is just a little insight of what goes on during chemotherapy treatment. I want everyone to know despite all of these horrible side effects I am still positive and although some will be permanent I plan on making a full recovery and will adapt and live my life with love and happiness! I do hate my surgery scars and am working on accepting them along with other changes! I am excited about life and am lucky to have the best partner in crime husband who reminds me everyday I am still a human being and extremely loved! 

"you have cancer"

When I first found out I had cancer or the tumor I was in a library! One of the most quiet, peaceful places and my doctor called to tell me; they had found something seriously wrong in my chest cavity! I mean a library!!!! You're supposed to be quiet there! I felt my heart drop and kinda shoved the phone into a very shocked Matt's face. The rest really seems like history! So far I have made my way through tons of appointments and now through chemotherapy!
Cancer is unique because tons of people in the world know what you're going through so many people have had or have cancer! That's something I believe needs to change. But at the same time so many people do not know what you're going through and you don't want them to ever have to! The closest people to you can no longer relate to you and whats ruling your life and that has truly been one of the hardest parts. But communication is the key! I used to find myself so annoying talking about how I feel and my symptoms but it has been one of the most important parts because it has kept me close to those around me and helps others to relate and support me. I have never looked at this as a journey that I have had to walk through alone. I have really learned to embrace the support of others. My support system deserves the best most biggest hug and party. If I could give that to the whole crowd of people walking with me I would!
Here are some examples. While in the library getting that phone call I was literally on the phone with my mom next! While talking to her I was furiously texting one of my most dearest friends and life mentors (he knows who he is) and honestly he was the first person I needed to reach to seek support from and he has graciously been by my side and Matt's side since that first day! We have also received letters, cards, packages, emails, posters, free meals, you name it from this amazing community of people who have heard of our story! I love to call it 'our story' because i have always believed my cancer is bigger than myself and deeper than just one person. Everyone has known someone, a loved one or a friend who has been influenced by this brutal disease and I know that I am just a small piece in that! It is very humbling and helps me keep the pain at ease at least in my mind!
Don't get me wrong, I have been angry with cancer! I still get angry! It has taken my life for the last six months and has made me feel less of a person at times! I never want this blog to be somewhere where I go to complain that is why I struggled with writing about it for so long. But I will never lie or paint a picture about cancer that's not real. There have been times where I've had to shove my dignity aside and let medicine and people help me in ways I never thought at age 25 I would have to. Someways I couldn't use the toilet on my own and those days were hard! I have had to exclude myself from what I love in order to protect myselfagainst other diseases and that has been the hardest part. My main goal for myself throughout this whole journey was and is not to slip into a deep dark depression. There have been moments where my heart has hurt but I promised myself that those moments would not last forever and that happiness, love, light and friendship would still rule my life and I am most proud to say it has!

Stay tuned! 

Hello again

A lot has happened in the last year and a half. A LOT! I have thought about blogging again but I struggled with the desire to express myself and to be heard but also with privacy and leading a private life. Facebook is a big place where I found myself being expressive and sharing with the public but I realized I had no excuse not to blog anymore so here I am.

Like I said a lot has changed in the last little while! Here is a catch up and the story.

1. We moved! Job opportunities and adventure brought us to the rural side of Maine. We love it here we have our house, our dog, beautiful landscape, and the loveliest of friends.

2. I was diagnosed with cancer. Yes Cancer. Shortly after we moved (okay 2 weeks to be exact), I went to the doctor who suggested that I get a chest xray for some symptoms I had been complaining about for I know...get ready for it 1 year. At that xray the radiologist found a 10 cm mass in my chest cavity and I was instantly rushed to get a CT scan about 10 minutes later, where they confirmed the fact that I did indeed have a tumor in my chest.  You can not begin to understand the shock and mixture of emotions that Matt and I felt. We were scared, shocked and lost we had just moved from our family and were now branching out on our own. Everything from there happened so fast and next thing I knew I was meeting with a cardio-thorastic surgeon to get a biopsy of my tumor. At this point we did not know for a fact that it was cancer although most assumed that it was. I endured an intense biopsy surgery that included making a 2 inch cut into my chest and where the gathered a sample of the tumor. From there I found out through a really disturbing phone call that I indeed had cancer called Lymphoma. Funny sidebar: Matt has known 3 people (prior to meeting me) that has had lymphoma two of those which has had the same exact diagnosis as I do. Crazy world. I had honestly never even heard of lymphoma before. From there we have been to a million doctor's appointments, meeting with specialists; oncologists, radiologists, pathologists, cardiologists, etc. etc.

So what are we doing now? Cancer! Cancer everything. We have been to chemotherapy, test after test, appointment after appointment. It has been truly exhausting. The pain I have been in is so unreal it has been a long 6 month journey. We feel so blessed that I have a great prognosis and will eventually be 100% cancer free soon.

We want to thank you so much for your support and for your love and outreach towards us during this particularly difficult time in our life. We will continue to update you as much as possible and really appreciate the outpour of kindness towards us.